The Hag Club
by particularly good finder
Summary: Every girl wants a gay best friend. But there's more to the job requirements than meets the eye. Luckily, our hags are up for the challenge. Kinn. Blam.


**I am so, so, so tired and my homework is unfinished and I'm really not sure what this is but I've been working on it forever so please, pleas review. Thank you, and enjoy!**

* * *

><p>"I want a hag," Blaine said suddenly to Kurt one day. He was chewing on his biscotti casually, eyeing the cute guy at the table next to them.<p>

Kurt choked on his latte, managing to sputter out, "What?"

Blaine grinned. "A hag! Like, I want my own Mercedes. She isn't for sale, is she?"

The brunette boy laughed, rolling his eyes. "No. Find your own."

"Exactly!" Blaine exclaimed, startling an elderly couple sitting behind him. "I need a hag! And you got the best one!"

Kurt chuckled into his drink. "What about Rachel? I feel like it's one of her lifelong goals to become a hag."

Blaine considered it, breaking into a grin. "That's a great idea. Hold on, let me call her."

He pressed a button on his phone and held it up to his ear, waiting. "You have her on speed-dial?" Kurt asked, quite obviously judging his friend. Blaine ignored him.

"Hey, Rach!" Hey said brightly, reaching for his biscotti and realizing it wasn't there. He glared across the table at Kurt, who was munching on it happily. "I have a very, very serious question for you and- Kurt Hummel, give me my damn biscotti back or I will pour my coffee on your new sweater."

Kurt gasped, throwing the biscotti back at Blaine. It hit his face, falling straight into his medium drip. Kurt giggled; Blaine glared.

"Oh, right, Rachel. So, I was wondering…" He paused dramatically, using the silence to throw a wadded-up napkin at Kurt. "Will you be my hag?"

Screaming from the other end answered his question. Blaine chuckled, dodging as a sugar packet flew towards him. Kurt cursed as his projectile missed, and frantically searched the table for another.

"Ha-ha, glad to be of assistance, Rachel. Lunch tomorrow? Sounds great. See you then, boo." He hung up, smiling proudly. "I have a hag!"

He sputtered as a pack of cream burst on his face. Kurt look half shocked, half amused, and 100% considering running for his life. Blaine licked his lips, taking a deep breath.

Without a word Kurt leapt from the table, sprinting out the door. Blaine followed, both of their coffees forgotten.

* * *

><p>"You're gay."<p>

Sam looked up from his comic book, brow furrowed. "Pardon?"

Quinn sat down, arms crossed. "You. Are. Gay."

Sam sighed, closing the book in defeat. "Gay isn't a synonym for stupid, Quinn."

She rolled her eyes. "If I was calling you stupid, you'd know. No, I mean, you're gay. As in, you want to kiss other boys."

His cheeks flushed a little, but Sam held his ground. "You weren't my beard, Quinn."

"Fine, you're bi, whatever. But you like guys. And you haven't denied it."

"Quinn-" Sam started, but she interrupted.

"Look, I don't care. But I want in."

"What?" Sam was really, _really_ confused at this point.

Quinn flipped her ponytail. "I want to be your hag."

Sam sighed, standing up. "Why?" He asked, shoving his comic book into his backpack. Quinn stood, too, hands on her hips.

"Every girl wants a gay best friend."

He rolled his eyes. "And the real reason? I know you better than that, Quinn. If you wanted a gay best friend, you would have snagged Kurt years ago."

Her face softened, and she gave him a sad smile. "Because I miss you."

Sam tried, and failed, to hide his smile, but it creeped across his face. Slowly, he set down his bag, and pulled Quinn into a hug, squeezing her tight. She was soft and smelled like honey and while it didn't really turn him on like it would with other boys, it was comforting and nice and he had _really_ missed Quinn.

"So…I guess this is a good time to tell you I'm gay. Bi. Whatever." Sam said, pulling back. Quinn smiled, resting her arms on his shoulders.

"Of course you are, sweetie. Now, c'mon, let's go have a movie marathon at my place." She looked around conspiratorially. "I got _Watchmen_ on sale at Target last week." Sam grinned, loving his friend's secret nerdy side.

"Awesome! Let's go!" He grabbed her hand, pulling her out of the library. Quinn let out a small giggle and tightened her grip on Sam's hand. He was such a dork, but he was _her_ dork.

* * *

><p>"Finn, are you a dolphin?" Brittany asked as they worked on Spanish homework together. Finn tore his gaze away from Kurt, who was sitting next to Quinn, and cocked his head in confusion.<p>

"Um…no. I'm a human, Britt." He knew the girl was _slow_, but he didn't think she was _that_ stupid.

"I know _that_," Brittany said, rolling her eyes. "I mean, are you a _dolphin_? Like Kurt?"

Finn was still confused, but his memory flashed back to his double date at Breadstix with Brittany and Santana, and Brittany's declaration that "dolphins were just gay sharks."

Oh.

"I'm not gay, Britt," Finn said, voice low. "You know this."

"But ever since Kurtsie came back from Gay Hogwarts, all you do is stare at him." The girl had a point there. Finn had never been subtle, but now it felt like his eyes were _always_ on his stepbrother. Even _Brittany_ had noticed.

"Not gay," he muttered, returning to his work. He looked up as Kurt's laugh carried across the room, watching jealously as Kurt intertwined his fingers with Quinn's. "So not gay."

Brittany shrugged. "Well, when you do become gay, I've got dibs on being your hag, okay? Santana says I can't be _her_ hag because she's a lesbian and lesbians don't have hags."

Finn was very confused, but he didn't say anything. Brittany continued, "Plus, Mercedes got Kurt first and I want my own dolphin. So I'm calling dibs on you."

The bell rang, and Finn shot out of his seat, packing his things quickly. "Um, sure, Britt. Whatever. But I'm not gay."

Brittany ignored him. "I have my own dolphin!" She shouted triumphantly, skipping over to Kurt and Quinn. "Guys, I'm a hag now! I have my own dolphin best friend!" She pointed to Finn, whose face went a deep shade of red. He ran from the room, ignoring Brittany's call of, "Let's do makeovers tonight! I'll even paint your nails!"

* * *

><p>"I'd like to call this first meeting to order," Rachel said, standing from her spot at the table. They were seated in the back corner of The Lima Bean, far away from Kurt and Blaine's usual spot, just in case the boys decided to stop in.<p>

"Welcome to the Hag Club, ladies," she continued, clasping her hands together. "Though I'm not quite sure why Brittany is here, I think we're going to get quite a lot done together!"

"I'm Finn's hag," Brittany stated happily. The other three exchanged looks.

"Finn's not gay, sweetie," Mercedes said. Quinn scoffed.

"Finn's gay." They all stared at her. "What? Don't tell me you didn't feel like a beard when _you_ dated him, Berry. He's as straight as a rainbow."

Rachel pouted, but said nothing. Mercedes nodded slowly, clearly confused, and continued, "Anyways…back to the point of this meeting. Our boys are lonely, and I think it's the duty of us hags to find them love."

Quinn nodded. "Well, that should be easy. Just lock Kurt and Blaine in a closet together for twenty minutes and they'll come out with an army of gay babies."

Surprisingly, both Mercedes and Rachel shook their heads. "Blaine isn't into Kurt. At all," the latter said, staring into her tea dejectedly.

"And Kurt knows it. He gave up hope on Blaine," Mercedes said sadly. "He's afraid of a repeat of the Finn Incident, so he's just completely given up. It's so depressing. I thought they would be perfect together."

"What about Finn and Kurt?" Brittany asked. The other three sighed.

"Sweetie, I think the time for that passed," Quinn said, patting her friend's hand. "I was thinking Sam and Kurt, actually-"

"Honey, I don't think Sam has the stamina to date Kurt, innuendo not intended," Mercedes said, smirking. "Poor boy wouldn't know what hit him."

"Yeah, Sam needs someone who would be patient and ease him into life as an open gay," Rachel said, nodding fervently. "As Blaine's hag, I would like to endorse his positive qualities as patient and gentlemanly. Plus, I think Sam's calmness would balance out Blaine's caffeine-induced hyperactivity. Plus-" They all rolled their eyes. "Blaine and Sam are both huge nerds. When they get married, their babies will be named Harry and Draco."

Everyone at the table had to agree with her last point. Quinn cleared her throat, breaking through the thoughtful silence. "So…Blaine and Sam?"

"BLAM!" Brittany shouted, causing a boy at the table next to them to spill coffee all over his homework. The others just stared at her. "What?" She said, like nothing out of the normal had happened. "Blam. Blaine…Sam…it equals Blam."

Quinn nodded, and Mercedes coughed to cover her laughter. Rachel sighed. "Okay, yes, we'll call it Blam. Moving on. What about Kurt? He deserves a relationship more than anyone."

Brittany sighed dramatically. "Finn, guys! I'm telling you! They'd make the best dolphin babies ever!"

Mercedes leaned over to Quinn and whispered, "Do you ever understand what she's saying?"

Quinn shook her head. "I just learned to ignore her."

"Look," Rachel said, clasping her hands together. "As sweet as I think Kurt and Finn would be together, I just don't think it'll happen. They're brothers now. Their parents are married. And Finn really hurt Kurt. It won't work. And we're not even sure if Finn's actually gay."

"But who else is there?" Quinn asked, pouting a little. "We need to try. We owe it to Kurt."

Mercedes nodded. "Alright, ladies. Your assignment for this week: planting the ideas of Blam and Furt into your respective gay's head. Got it?"

They all nodded, except for Brittany, who just looked lost. Quinn leaned over and told her, "You have to convince Finn that he's in love with Kurt. Can you do that?"

Brittany nodded. "Of course!"

"Okay, hags, good meeting," Rachel said, standing. "Meeting adjourned."

* * *

><p>"Blaine, you need a boyfriend." Blaine looked up from his spot at the end of Rachel's bed, setting his sheet music down.<p>

"Um, unless you have a cute gay hiding in your closet, I'm sort of out of options."

Rachel sighed, turning her music down. "Well, if you weren't so picky, you could have had Kurt ages ago."

Blaine did not look amused. "We're too much alike, Rachel. Honestly."

"Well, anyways, that's not what I was talking about," she said, flipping back her hair. "I know this guy…"

"Rachel…" Blaine warned. "I know you're my hag now, but really…your taste in men scares me a little. Please don't try to set me up with Finn or something."

The petite girl waved him off. "No, silly, we're setting him up with Kurt. No, there's this guy in glee club named Sam-"

"Evans?" Blaine guessed. Rachel nodded, confused.

"You know him?"

"Yeah, he went to Dalton. Wait, is he gay?" Blaine asked, face going red. "Like, seriously?"

Rachel grinned. "Yup! He came out to Quinn the other day. She's his hag," She added, nodding matter-of-factly. "He's a huge nerd. You two would be perfect together."

The curly-haired boy blushed. "I did always think he was cute…"

Rachel squealed, tackling Blaine in a hug. "Tell me all about your schoolboy infatuation. Right. Now. We're going to get you a date with one Samuel Evans and I'll sing at your wedding and be the godmother to Harry and Draco and it will be beautiful!"

Blaine looked a little dazed, but he just laughed and wrapped his arms around Rachel. She kicked her legs excitedly, wiggling around in his grasp.

"Alright, well there was this one time, in homeroom…" Blaine started, and Rachel listened intensely. That night was a strange one – it was the first time in a long that Rachel, the chatterbox that she was, did not dominate the conversation.

* * *

><p>"Are you sure you're over Blaine?" Mercedes asked as Kurt examined a sweater in a window display. He nodded.<p>

"Most definitely. I couldn't deal with his over-caffeinated energy bursts 24/7. I like to think of him as my sassy gay best friend."

Mercedes laughed, looping her arm through Kurt's. He smiled at her, and they moved on to the next window display.

"What about Finn?"

Kurt's face turned ashen. "Why are you bringing this up?"

Mercedes smiled sadly. "Just curious. I'm sorry, I should have realized it would be painful for you."

"Why would it be painful?" Kurt asked tensely. "I'm so over Finn Hudson."

"Are you really?" Mercedes knew she was pushing it, but it was her duty as a hag to get the truth from him.

"No." Well that was quick. "But the rest of the world has moved on. You should, too."

He walked ahead, leaving Mercedes standing by the window of Banana Republic. She sighed, hoping Brittany was having more luck with Finn.

* * *

><p>"Of course you're gay."<p>

"I'm really not, Britt."

"Well, you're not straight. At least, that's what Santana said after you slept with her."

"Do you really believe everything she tells you?"

"Santana is always right."

"I'm not gay."

"But you are."

Finn groaned, slamming his head against the table. Brittany sipped on her smoothie happily; Finn wondered how exactly he got talked into taking her to Jamba Juice.

"I like boobs, Britt. I'm not gay."

Brittany shrugged. "Everyone likes boobs. It's part of my Universal Boob Theory."

"What?" Finn asked, completely confused now. Brittany nodded slowly.

"Universal Boob Theory. Everyone has a mom. Moms have boobs. We get milk from those boobs. Therefore, all humans love boobs."

For once, Brittany kind of made sense. But Finn still didn't see how that applied to him being gay.

"I'm not gay," he repeated, taking a chug of his smoothie. Brittany chuckled.

"You are. And you're in love with Kurt." Subtlety wasn't Brittany's thing, either.

"No I'm not!" A scoff from behind them alerted Finn to Puck's presence. The boy stood, hands in his pockets.

"Methinks Finnessa doth protest too much." They both looked entirely lost. "What? I've read Hamlet, I know my stuff. Just give in to the gay, dude. It'll make everything so much easier."

"I'M NOT GAY!" Finn shouted, and all of Jamba Juice went quiet. Puck smirked, and Brittany just looked…like Brittany.

"Good job, Frankenteen. See you guys later." The mohawked boy left the building, leaving Finn slumped against table.

"So…when are you going to ask Kurt out?" Brittany asked, twirling her hair between her fingers. Finn groaned.

* * *

><p>"I've found you a boy-toy," Quinn said to Sam as he fried some bacon for a midnight snack. The <em>Buffy the Vampire Slayer<em> theme song played from the TV in the next room, and the floor was already littered in candy wrappers. Quinn was here to enjoy not being a Cheerio; Sam followed this routine every Friday night.

"Kurt's not my type," Sam quipped back, turning off the stove. "But, thanks."

"No, not Kurt. A boy by the name of Blaine Anderson."

Sam did a double take. "Blaine? I thought Kurt would have snatched him by now. Of course, Blaine was always oblivious…"

"You know him?" This surprised Quinn.

"Yeah. I went to Dalton for a year. I remember him. Plus, I _do_ talk to Kurt sometimes. Facebook is a wonderful invention."

"Well?"

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Well, what?"

Quinn huffed. "Are you interested in him?"

Sam shrugged. "I dunno. I haven't talked to him in ages."

"Ugh." Quinn groaned, slumping her chin into her palm as she leaned against the counter. "Is he at least your type?"

There was a silence, then: "Yeah. I think he is."

The ex-cheerleader squealed, biting her lip. She took his hands, beaming up at him. "I'm going to get you a _bo-o-oyfriend!_" Quinn sang, giggling.

Her laughter was infectious; Sam laughed, spinning his friend in circles. She twirled away from his grip, grabbing a piece of bacon and skipping towards the living room to start their marathon. Sam sighed happily, piling the rest of the bacon onto a plate, and followed after her.

* * *

><p>"Alright, the second meeting of the Hag Club is in order," Rachel said as everyone nibbled on her homemade cookies. Leroy and Hiram Berry sat in the corner, proud and amused looks on their faces as their beloved daughter called order to her group of friends.<p>

"Why do these cookies say _SORRY_ on them?" Quinn asked. Brittany shrugged, licking at the pink icing like a puppy.

"They only taste good when made in apology!" Rachel exclaimed. Mercedes nodded slowly, humoring her diva friend. "Anyways, that's not important. It's time for step two in our Super Effective and Pragmatic Plan That Is Only Slightly Idealistic To Get Together Two Lovely Homosexual Couples That Really Deserve Each Other!'

There was a pause; someone coughed. The three girls just nodded in unison, minds completely numb. Rachel took this as a sign to move on.

"Alright. So how are we going to bring these lucky boys together? Any ideas?"

Brittany raised her hand. "A scary movie."

Rachel brushed her off. "If you're referring to Finn, I'll have you know he _hates_ scary movies."

Mercedes nodded. "Same with Kurt."

Quinn sighed. "And Sam would be _far_ too interested in the movie to even take note of Blaine – who, I'm sure, would be the same."

Brittany shook her head vigorously. "No, no, no. If both Kurt and Finn hate scary movies, then they'll hug each other like Santana lets me do when we watch _Scooby Doo_. And that will _totally_ get the sweet boy kisses going."

Mercedes raised an eyebrow. "She's…actually got a really good point. Huh."

"Well, then," Rachel said, looking impressed. "Brittany and Mercedes will arrange a scary-movie marathon with their gays. Now, about Blaine and Sam-"

"Blam!" Brittany shouted. Hiram practically jumped into Leroy's lap, hand over his chest. The girls just rolled their eyes.

"How about you and I take them on a double date?" Quinn asked, twirling her hair around her finger.

"To Breadstix?" Mercedes and Brittany asked in unison. Brittany sounded jealous; Mercedes sounded bored.

"Why not?" Quinn said. "Sam loves it."

"Blaine, too," Rachel added. "Good idea, Quinn. It'll re-introduce them to each other. Really get the chemistry going."

"So…meeting adjourned?" Mercedes asked. "We can get to our slumber party now?"

"Wait…this is a slumber party?" Brittany asked. "Then why are there boys here?"

Hiram and Leroy looked utterly confused, but just left the room to humor the girl. The others just sighed and ignored their friend.

* * *

><p>"Mercedes, this is a terrible idea." Kurt pouted as his best friend popped in <em>Paranormal Activity<em>. Finn nodded in agreement behind his stepbrother's back.

"Britt and I have wanted to watch this movie forever, and you two have the best TV in Lima. So we're watching this movie."

Kurt sighed, almost whimpering, and settled back to subject himself to two and half hours of terror. Finn bit his lip and brought a pillow to his face, ready to hide when things got bad.

At first, the plan seemed to backfire. Twenty minutes in, Finn stood up to go to the bathroom. Ten minutes later, and he still hadn't returned. Brittany burrowed her face into Mercedes' shoulder, wincing at all the scary parts. Kurt seemed frozen in his seat, unable to move or look away.

Just as something bad was about to happen, Finn's voice came from the kitchen. "Kurt? Will you come help me?"

Kurt sprinted from the living room, leaving the two hags to watch the movie by themselves. Brittany pouted, sitting up.

"Shoot. I thought they'd be cuddling by now," she whispered, sighing sadly. "Maybe Finn _is_ straight."

Mercedes groaned. "Great. I hope Rachel and Quinn are having better luck than we are."

The two girls settled back to watch more of the movie, both internally plotting new ways to set the boys up. Mercedes' involved locking them in a closet; Brittany's involved interstellar explorations and candle-lit dinners under the sea at the Krusty Krab.

Towards the end of the movie, though, a high peal of laughter carried from the kitchen. Mercedes, placing a finger by her lip, tiptoed to the kitchen door, motioning for Brittany to follow. The two girls listened as Kurt and Finn talked:

"You didn't."

"I did! I just marched up to Wes, grabbed the gavel out of his hand, and threw it out the open window. He just abused the power one too many times!"

"Was he mad?"

"Of course! He threatened to kick me out of the Warblers! But then Thad leaned over and told him it was my last day at Dalton and he went all red and let Blaine lead the guys in a rendition of _Bye Bye Birdie_. They seemed to think it was funny, since I was, you know, a _warbler_."

"Blaine's…_special_…isn't he?"

"You have no idea."

"So you're not dating him?"

"Oh, no. We're just very good friends."

"Oh."

"Yep."

"So…that movie, man. Scary."

"I'm going to have _nightmares_ tonight. Ugh."

"You know…you can sleep in my room tonight…if you want…"

"Finn, that's okay, you don't have to-"

"No, really. I…I think I need someone near me tonight. Or I'll think there's a demon in my closet."

"Again?"

"Yeah…"

"Alright."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Your bed's big, we're brothers, it's what we do."

"You sure? I mean…I might need a human-sized stuffed animal in the middle of the night."

"Bring on the cuddling, Hudson."

"Oh, it's brung!"

Mercedes and Brittany giggled, sneaking back into the living room. They high-fived, completely ignoring the screaming woman on the TV. They were _awesome_ hags.

* * *

><p>"So, Blaine, tell me about yourself," Quinn said, smiling prettily. Blaine grinned.<p>

"Well, I'm Kurt's friend from Dalton, obviously. I'm in the Warblers-"

"The lead singer!" Rachel proclaimed. Quinn rolled her eyes.

"Um, right. I play guitar, piano, violin, ukulele, and kazoo. I'm sort of obsessed with Harry Potter." Sam's eyes lit up. "Comic books are my guilty pleasure. It's also been my secret dream to dress up as Robin for Halloween, but no one will be my Batman."

The look on Sam's face was so obvious, so precious, that Quinn reached for her phone under the table and typed a quick message to Rachel. Rachel felt the buzz in her pocket, and discreetly read the text:

_From: Quinn  
>Sam's in love. My plan is awesome<em>.

She grinned. "Sam, don't you always wear a Batman shirt on Fridays?"

He nodded. "Well, I wear a _superhero_ shirt on Fridays. Some days it's Batman, some days it's Superman, some days it's The Flash…I'm surprised you noticed, Rachel."

Quinn snorted. "_Everyone_ noticed, sweetie."

"Oh." He blushed adorably, and Blaine's heart melted.

"So, Sam, how was the transfer from Dalton? From what Kurt says, they're two very different schools."

The blonde boy nodded. "I mean…yeah, they're completely different. I miss my friends from Dalton, but I feel freer at McKinley. Also, as crap as the football team is there, ours was so much worse. But I am really worried about coming out…I mean, what happened with Kurt…"

Blaine reached across the table and took Sam's hand, smiling kindly. "Just remember that you're not alone. You've got me. A-and Kurt. And these lovely ladies, and all of your Glee friends. We'll see you through."

Sam looked taken aback at Blaine's sudden speech, but a small smile spread across his face. "Thanks, Blaine."

Rachel beamed, sending a text under the table to Quinn.

_From: Rachel  
>This is actually going to work! We're geniuses!<em>

Just at that moment, Blaine's phone went off, a familiar tune playing out. Sam perked up.

"Dude…was that the _Firefly_ theme song?" He asked as Blaine turned his phone off. Blaine turned to face him slowly, eyes wide.

"You know _Firefly_?" Sam nodded. Blaine looked like he might pass out. "_Where have you been all my life_?"

Quinn and Rachel exchanged a high-five under the table.

* * *

><p>"Ladies, ladies, settle down. I bring this third meeting of the Hag Club to order!" Rachel exclaimed loudly, clapping her hands together. They were in the children's section of the public library, seated in the story-time area. A couple little kids ran past, books in hand.<p>

"Rachel, be quiet. We're in a library," Brittany said, voice hushed. "They'll drag you to the castle dungeon if you're too loud and the Goon Squad will take you away and we'll never see you again!"

A little girl behind Brittany squeaked and ran off, terrified of this new information. Quinn and Mercedes both slapped their palms against their foreheads, and Rachel heaved a sigh.

"Alright, girls. We are on the final stage of our plan. This is it, the finale, the curtain's going up and we must meet the challenge like the stars we are!" Her voice rose in an excited whisper.

"It's all or nothing," Mercedes added. "Either our boys get together, or we fail as hags. No pressure."

"So what's the plan?" Quinn asked, folding her hands in her lap. "How exactly do we do this?"

"Britt and I already came up with a plan for Kurt and Finn. It's genius," Mercedes said smugly. "Kurt's already in the process of creating what will be the catalyst of his romance with Finn, and he doesn't even know it!"

"You already have a plan! Shoot," Quinn muttered, looking down. "I couldn't think of anything for Blaine and Sam – _don't say it, Brittany_."

Britt looked down, pouting. Rachel bit her lip and said, "Well, maybe we can brainstorm some ideas about Sam and Blaine-"

"BLAM!"

"BRITTANY!" The three girls shouted in unison. The children's section went silent.

Suddenly, the little girl from before came up behind them, and screamed, "RUN! THE GOON SQUAD IS ON THEIR WAY!" From a distance, a very angry librarian was making her way to where the girls sat. Jumping up, Rachel and Quinn scooped up their things and made a dash for it. Mercedes followed, dragging Brittany behind her.

"I didn't mean to upset the goon squad!" The blonde girl cried as they ran. "Don't let them take me to the dungeon!"

* * *

><p>As part of Mercedes and Brittany's plan, Kurt was rehearsing in the auditorium, playing a soft melody on the piano. Mercedes had given him the music, requesting the song as her early birthday present. It was an odd choice, definitely not within Kurt's tastes, but he enjoyed singing it. Something about it struck close to home.<p>

"_Everyone's around, no words are coming out and I can't find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound_?" He sang, letting the music surround him. In the empty auditorium, Kurt had never sounded better.

"Come _on_," Mercedes said, pulling on Finn's arm. "You're so slow!"

"Where are you taking me?" He asked, confused. "Britt, help me out!"

Brittany shook her head. "Walk faster, Frankenteen. You're going to miss it."

"Miss _what_?" He asked impatiently. Mercedes said nothing, just opened the auditorium door and pushed him in.

"Be quiet and listen. Got it?" She and Brittany closed the door, then sprinted around to the back entrance that would take them to the wings of the stage.

When they got there, Kurt was singing: "_I thought I saw a sign somewhere between the lines. But maybe it's me, maybe I only see what I want_…"

"Perfect…" Mercedes whispered.

Finn watched, entranced, as Kurt sang to no one. He walked slowly up to the stage, licking his lips absent-mindedly.

"_And I do want you to know I'll hold you up above everyone. And I do want you to know I think you'd be good to me and I'd be so good to you_…"

Brittany swayed happily to the music, taking Mercedes' hand. Mercedes smiled fondly at her friend, holding back laughter.

Finn was climbing the stairs to the stage now, transfixed on Kurt and his music. He walked quietly and slowly and completely under the spell of his stepbrother. As a shadow fell over his music, Kurt stopped playing and turned to see Finn standing behind him.

"Oh, Finn, you scared me," he said, laughing quietly. "What's wrong? You look-"

Finn caught Kurt's mouth with his own, stopping him mid-sentence. The taller boy pulled back, a little in shock with what he just did, but mostly tentative as to what Kurt's reaction would be. Kurt blinked a couple of times, pinched himself, straightened his bangs, then said, "Well. That was…unexpected."

Before Finn could respond, Kurt launched himself at the other boy, wrapping his arms firmly around his neck. Finn's hands grabbed at Kurt's waist, pulling him close.

As they broke apart the second time, Finn let out a small laugh, resting his head against Kurt's. "I was a complete idiot, wasn't I?"

Kurt nodded, laughing embarrassedly. "Just a little. But so was I."

Brittany rested her head against Mercedes' shoulder, cooing at the sight. Mercedes brought her hand to her heart, completely in love with the sight in front of her. Finally, Kurt was getting what he so rightly deserved.

"I can't wait until they have pretty dolphin babies. I wanna be their fairy godmother," Britt whispered.

Mercedes rolled her eyes, but grinned. "Me too, sweetie. Me, too."

* * *

><p>Rachel and Quinn stood on either side of Blaine as they cheered on Sam as he ran down the field, kicking the ball towards the goal. It was drizzling, but that didn't stop the fans from cheering on their favorite players.<p>

"That grass looks so slick…so dangerous…" Rachel murmured, biting her lip. Quinn rubbed her shoulder affectionately.

"It'll be fine. They've played in worse conditions."

"That's what cleats are for," Blaine added, eyes never leaving Sam's running form. "Wow…he's fast…"

And then the world was a blur. A clap of thunder rang through the air, and Sam was down on the ground, unmoving. Two other players were scattered around him, clutching at different body parts. But Sam – Sam just laid there, a little bit of red leaking from under his bleached hair.

"_Sam_!" Rachel felt herself being dragged down onto the grass by Quinn, who was running desperately after Blaine. "Sam!"

They flooded around him, ignoring as the coach and the ref yelled at them to leave. Someone called 9-1-1, and the ambulance arrived almost immediately. Quinn tried desperately not to cry, trembling against Rachel as they loaded Sam into the back of the vehicle. As it sped away, Blaine led the two girls to his car, and they drove in silence to Lima General.

Rachel looked over to Quinn as they sat in the waiting room, her face clearly saying: _This is definitely not going as planned_.

Rachel figured she must have dozed off, but not for very long, because when she came around, Blaine had disappeared. Rachel nudged Quinn awake, and the two walked down the hallway, searching for Blaine.

They stopped outside Sam's room and peered inside. Sam was hooked up to a heart monitor, looking pale and small under the stark white sheets and dull fluorescent lights. There, by his bed, knelt Blaine, who was rubbing Sam's hand gently.

Rachel and Quinn watched as Sam smiled good-naturedly at whatever Blaine was telling him, laughing slightly. He leaned forward, pushing a stray curl from Blaine's face. The dark-haired boy stopped talking at the touch, biting his lip. Slowly, he lowered his lips to Sam's, who returned the favor, caressing Blaine's face softly.

"I…I…wow…" Sam breathed, eyes fluttering. "That felt…_right_."

Blaine smiled warmly, pressing another kiss to the boy's mouth. The heart-rate monitor beeped faster, causing both boys to chuckle.

In the hall, Rachel and Quinn hugged in victory, all past hurts forgotten.

* * *

><p>"Alright everyone…welcome to the last meeting of the Hag Club!" Rachel said brightly. Mercedes smiled, painting a rainbow on Brittany's cheek. Quinn adjusted her rainbow headband. "I think you can all infer as to why we are here…"<p>

"To be absolutely, totally, disgustingly, awesomely gay?" Blaine asked, arm wrapped around Sam's waist. Sam was shirtless, and Mercedes had already painted a rather large rainbow across his abs.

"Exactly!" Rachel cried, throwing her arms in the air. They were at the Columbus Pride Parade, watching floats go by under the hot July sun. Blaine adjusted his signature pink sunglasses, smiling fondly at Sam.

"So this is what it's like to be Finn…" Kurt said from atop Finn's shoulders. "You have a very nice view of everything."

Finn smirked, rubbing his boyfriend's leg fondly. Kurt bent over, planting a kiss on Finn's head.

"Guys, we have to be, like, the best hags ever!" Mercedes said, throwing her arm around Brittany's shoulder. Quinn and Rachel linked arms, beaming at their boys.

"Most definitely. Blaine owes me a duet."

"Kurt owes me a shopping spree."

"Sam owes me a Doctor Who marathon."

"Finn doesn't owe me anything." They all turned to look at Brittany. "What?" She asked. "We wouldn't be good hags at all if we didn't try to set up these two couples. That's totally the point of being a hag in the first place!"

Mercedes smiled. "You know, you're totally right, Britt. They don't owe us anything."

Rachel and Quinn nodded, and Brittany looked happy.

"Well, maybe they owe us some dolphin babies. But only, like, two. That's all."


End file.
